Hello my friends,
this post may not be for everyone; but it's just something I had to get off my chest. (pun intended) :)
I want to share with you how you can still feel blessed and find beauty in times of trial and turmoil.
My garden helps to remind me of that!
(my Black Eyed Susan's are so huge this year, they look more like a bush than a perennial)
On July 19th, two days after my birthday I had to return for a second mammogram. From there they did an
ultrasound and biopsy.
(Gigantic blooms on my two Hibiscus)
The next evening I was out mowing the front lawn when my 7 year old granddaughter brought me my phone. On the other end was my family physician. He said, "Jann, have you heard anything about your mammogram?" I replied, no; they said that the earliest would be Friday. It was Thursday evening. He replied, "Well, I have the results. You do have breast cancer, and I'm so sorry that I have to tell you over the phone".
I stopped dead in my tracks! WHAT? Me, the person who rarely is sick has Cancer?
(I love this little corner of my rose garden. The garlic chives have begun to peek through the rusty metal fence and my rustic mailbox, turned tool caddy adds a bit of fun to the garden)
Can you believe that I did not cry? In fact, I finished mowing the lawn. Honestly, I think I was in a bit of shock. Although I continued to notice the sweet smell of the freshly cut grass.
(Canna and Russian Sage)
I was not happy, but at the same time I felt blessed! Thankful that the ultrasound Dr. did not send me on my way. He mentioned that he almost did. But there was a small area that he found, "mildly suspicious". Thankful that he did the biopsy and I did not go another year without being diagnosed.
(Portulaca and Morning Glory that reseeds and comes back every year)
To make a long story not so long, after seeing the Oncologist I felt pretty fortunate. One tiny area, less than 1/3". Should just need a lumpectomy and radiation. THANKFUL!
(White Phlox)
She wanted a MRI to see it better and to make sure there was nothing in the left side. I felt very positive and hopeful.
(pretty pink anemone)
Then while watching two granddaughters get covered with suds at our little home town celebration of a foam party my
cell phone rang. . .
The physicians assistant: "Jann, we have the results of the MRI. It shows a few areas in your left breast and they also found cancer in the right nipple duct" My heart sank!! Still, I did not cry.
(Delphiniums blooming for a second time)
From there I had an appt. with a plastic surgeon and back in for an ultrasound and biopsy on the left side.
(kiss over the garden gate)
This is where I became the boobless boob! Well, not boobless yet; but picturing it in my mind.
After the ultrasound I was lying there waiting for the Dr. to return. He had to finish up with another patient. Suddenly I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. The nurse looked over and said, "oh hon, are you okay?" I apologized and told her I really was okay and didn't know why I was crying now. Then I casually blamed it on the sad movie I had seen the night before. I had bawled like a baby in the theater. Maybe my emotions were still close to the surface. (wink)
(Dahlia that came back from last year. Even after our hard winter)
Like me it's a fighter and has a strong will to live!!
With this new news, things totally changed for me. I had decided to have a mastectomy on the right side. I felt strongly that I didn't want to take a chance of the cancer returning. After meeting with the plastic surgeon, he agreed that it was the smart thing to do! He said that if they missed even a tiny bit that the cancer
would grow back.
The results from the left side came back benign. After lots of thought and prayer I have decided to do a double mastectomy. Even though they are benign now, how easily that could change. I've heard 4 different stories of women who had one removed and within 18 months to 3 years were back in with cancer in
the other side.
(Limelight Hydrangea just starting to bloom. Another Russian Sage in front)
Here's the thing. I've kind of grown use to these puppies. Yes, that's what I call them now and then. Although with the passing of time, they no longer sit up and bark at you like they use to. :)
But I've had them for as long as I can remember. Yes, they were small and insignificant at first, but those babies blossomed. I was a late bloomer and didn't need a bra until I was in 9th grade.
As they increasingly grew I always supported them and lifted them up. When they felt bound and needed to run free, I happily obliged! At least whenever possible. Never were they bound at night and occasionally when working in the yard. They wanted to reach out and smell the roses just as much as I did. lol!
This is certainly going to be a new journey for me and I will miss my girls, but who knows what pleasures life will bring.
There's joy and happiness to be found.
Even for a boobless boob!!
hugs,
Jann
